23 Reasons to Mourn Dublin Dr Pepper

Dublin Dr Pepper on tap at a Dairy Queen in rural Texas

Dublin Dr Pepper is a Texas staple. Ever since soda manufacturers switched from cane sugar to high fructose corn syrup, the Dublin bottling plant has made a name selling soda with Imperial Sugar. Unfortunately, it sold so well that the corporate honchos at the Dr Pepper Snapple Group decided to sell their own cane sugar formula. When they did, the realized that Dublin Dr Pepper was cannibalizing their sales, so they sued their oldest bottler. And while cane sugar Dr Pepper will still be available, a mom-and-pop business is being thrown under the bus. Here are 23 reasons why this whole thing stinks worse than a warm, flat can of Diet Dr Thunder.

23 Reasons

1. Snapple sucks!
2. What else am I going to drink at 10, 2 and 4?
3. You can tell that this is the kind of thing caused by some bean counter with a copy of Microsoft Excel. All numbers, no good old-fashioned market research.
4. I always thought “Dr Pepper” sounded like a good name for a supervillain, but I never thought I’d be proven right.
5. Also, now we’ll have to take everything Dr Pepper does with a grain of salt.
6. My grandma always told me that Dr Pepper is made out of prunes, but somehow, prune juice just doesn’t seem like a good substitute.
7. I’ll probably end up drinking more coffee. Lord knows I don’t need more coffee.
8. I don’t need to be spending more time on the internet complaining, either.
9. What the hell kind of a name is “Snapple”, anyway?
10. If the Dublin plant closes entirely, it’ll be one less day trip for thirsty Dallasites.
11. Also, Dr Pepper fans may have to go to (shudder) Waco.
12. Bono hasn’t said anything about it, even though the controversy is taking place in Dublin. (U2’s from Dublin, right?)
13. Now I won’t be able to make any more Dublin, Texas versus Dublin, Ireland jokes. (This may be a good thing for my all-too-patient friends and family.)
14. Wikipedia says that there have been UFO sightings around Dublin. Looks like it’s an extraterrestrial conspiracy.^{[citation needed]}
15. Within a day of the announcement, Dublin Dr Pepper 6-packs were already selling for over $50!
16. Though I enjoy Dublin Dr Pepper, the fact that people are willing to pay such prices saddens me.
17. While they’ll still bottle cane sugared soda in Temple, Texas, “Temple Dr Pepper” just doesn’t have the same ring.
18. Neither does “Dublin Mr Pibb”.
19. 14 people are losing their jobs. Out of 40. This is the most bitter of these 23 flavors.
20. Now Dublin Bottling Works biggest product is Triple XXX Root Beer, not a drink you want to google at work.
21. Also, “Triple XXX”? That’s nine Xs. What would a Nontuple X movie be like? Please don’t tell me.
22. Did I mention that Snapple sucks?
23. Now, when Texans order a “Coke”, they’ll actually get a Coke.

Discussion

Have you ever had Dublin Dr Pepper? Do you think it was deserving of its reputation? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section.